Sunday, January 9, 2011

January???

Is it really January already? Where did Christmas go? Why am I too lazy to go upstairs and get my camera to upload my Christmas pictures? I hate feeling like I'm neglecting my blog, but sometimes you just have to prioritize.

I am running low on brain power. My whole being is in a constant state of nervousness. Every once in awhile I get a break and I feel light again. But eventually it all sets back in.

I'm scared to death for what the next week holds. Scared that I can't do it. Scared that I don't have a choice. Scared that my mom will give up. Scared that I won't be able to be everything that everyone needs me to be. That's one of my faults. Always trying to fix things and make things better for everyone when sometimes it's better to Just. Let. It. Be. Give people the credit to be able to handle hard things. Not always try to make it all better. My personality exhausts me sometimes. Sometimes it's easier to just expect the worst than it is to hope for the best and be disappointed.

Wow, that's dreary isn't it?

My faith is in a transitional stage. I don't know where I stand. I've struggled the last year. I've had some bad things happen, which strangely enough have helped more than they have hurt. But the aftermath is still sticking around. I know I'm going to need faith. And I'm scared that I don't have it. I'm scared that my lack of it will deny me the blessings I would get if I had it. I feel like I'm searching desperately to get back to a place where no matter what, everything seems GOOD. I haven't been there for awhile.

And now I'm boring myself. The next few months are gonna super suck. But I have a lot of things I'm really excited about. A lot of really good things are happening and have happened already. I have got to learn how to hold onto those when I get in a rut.

I have a great support system.

My husband. He can always make me laugh. Right now he is talking to me through the vent telling me he is my conscience.

My sisters. Tonight during a particularly emotional moment, I looked at Amy and Angie and I could see in their eyes that they were feeling the exact same way I felt. That's the beauty of sisters. You understand each other without even trying.

My aunts. My mom's sisters rock.

My sister in law Lexi. She's definitely taken the brunt of my crazy. And like her life isn't hard enough already. She's definitely talked me down from a few ledges.

My mom. She's an example of everything strong and good to me.

I want to remember all the positive of this experience. I hope that one day I will look back and that's what will be most prominent in my mind. Not the terrified feeling I have right now.

I'll end this incredibly uplifting post with a cute picture. We spent some time at the Sumko's new house last night and got home about 11:30. The kids wanted to sleep on the couch so we decided to let them. Bowen would not hear of going to his crib. He must be where his brother and sister are. We didn't think there was a chance he'd fall asleep, but sure enough here he is. They slept this way all night. Pillow Pets and Quillows (thanks, Grammy) included. They make me happy.


Here's hoping for a better post next time.

4 comments:

jen said...

Love you Katie! I feel all over the place too with things but at least you can verbalize it. You will get through this. My Pa Jeb always tells us, "There are better days ahead!" And, "Keep your ol chin in there." Does that help? Can't wait to play tomorrow! xoxox Jen

amers said...

I like you a lot lot.

Lexi said...

I love you Katie. So much. I'm sorry things have to be so hard. There's a dumb song by the Eels that says, "Do you know what it's like to fall on the floor, cry your guts out 'til you got no more, hey man, now you're really living". For some reason, I really like that quote. Because it means to really live isn't just to have the peak experiences, but also the crapfest valleys. You're really living. I'm sorry for that. But it's something, I guess. Or not. Whatever.

It makes me feel good that you would trust ME to talk YOU down from ledges. It's always been the other way around.

Lexi said...

Also, I love the pillow pets with the quillos. That's the MO at our house, too.