Miscarriage sucks. Or I guess more accurately is that not having a baby when you want one sucks. It messes with your head. And I really don't like that at all. I think I was very spoiled to believe it would always happen just like I wanted it to. I feel like I have a teeny teeny tiny glimpse of what some people must go through when they can't conceive.
A good friend of mine lost her mom recently. Very suddenly and all sorts of complex emotions. My uncle also passed away this last weekend. Not someone I was particularly close to, but a very very good man. One of those men you could feel was good just by being around him. He leaves behind a young wife and three young kids, and I believe four older kids from a previous marriage. Why do things like this happen? The sheer sadness of it is a little overwhelming. Travis lost his dad when he was only sixteen. His dad was only 48. The youngest brother was 9 at the time. It seems so cruel, and yet at the same time, I know there is a reason. Same as I know there was a reason this baby I wanted so badly didn't come.
My mother in law is leaving on a mission next Monday. She is truly a great woman. I am so blessed to have the in-laws I do. They have accepted me and made me feel like one of them, which isn't always a good thing because they're mostly crazy. But I do adore my mother in law. I will miss her like crazy, as will my kids. I think it's finally setting in. But I'm so proud of her.
Tonight Travis came home for about half an hour in between work and his classes when I didn't expect him. I had had a pretty lame day up until that point. Lame as in I laid on the couch until 10:30, got ready, got Emory off to school, put Bowen down for a nap and laid back down on my bed. I finally got my head together about the time Travis got home. We sat together for about twenty minutes while he ate and we talked. Have I ever mentioned how much I really truly like my husband? Something about him just makes everything seem better. Then he left. I made dinner for the kids and started to straighten up. Jaxon looked at me and said "You're the best mom any kid could ask for". And really? I know I'm not the best mom in the world, but to him I am. That's all I care about.
I walked around my house and thought about so many things that make me happy. About how content and at peace I feel in my home. And I was thankful that for a few minutes, I felt truly uplifted. That's one thing I am learning from this experience. That when I feel good, I need to sit and savor the feeling, even if it's only for thirty seconds. Because it will go, but it will come back again for longer. So I'm trying, once again, to live in the moment. To cry when I want to (which seems to be a lot lately) and to feel happy when I feel happy.
I'm thankful that even when there is much sadness around me, the blessings I have still out number the trials by a huge amount. Now if I can just figure out how to not let the sadness become my focus.
They're a little homely sometimes, but they're mine.
The camera comes out and all he wants to say is cheese. Isn't it awesome how he tickles himself when you ask to see his belly? I love little quirks like that.